Endless Jokes

Spook
Posts: 150
Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2020 11:56 am
Location: Fleurieu Peninsula

Re: Endless Jokes

Post by Spook »

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Almost Normal Spook #4793
Spook
Posts: 150
Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2020 11:56 am
Location: Fleurieu Peninsula

Re: Endless Jokes

Post by Spook »

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Almost Normal Spook #4793
Ken
Posts: 159
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2020 9:38 am
Location: Adelaide

Re: Endless Jokes

Post by Ken »

Yep, crazy.
Ken Wagnitz #21315
Cster
Posts: 119
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2020 7:44 pm

Re: Endless Jokes

Post by Cster »

Come on Spook that one second was several months ago now. Finish up that little convo and get back to us.
Spook
Posts: 150
Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2020 11:56 am
Location: Fleurieu Peninsula

Re: Endless Jokes

Post by Spook »

MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE

This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAME · If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild man.

EATING OUT · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

MONEY. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs . A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS · A woman has the last word in any argument. .Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed · Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Almost Normal Spook #4793
Cster
Posts: 119
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2020 7:44 pm

Re: Endless Jokes

Post by Cster »

So true, and to become a grumpy old biker bastard you have to invent that mood.
Spook
Posts: 150
Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2020 11:56 am
Location: Fleurieu Peninsula

Re: Endless Jokes

Post by Spook »

An oldie but a goodie!
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Almost Normal Spook #4793
Spook
Posts: 150
Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2020 11:56 am
Location: Fleurieu Peninsula

Re: Endless Jokes

Post by Spook »

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Almost Normal Spook #4793
Ken
Posts: 159
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2020 9:38 am
Location: Adelaide

Re: Endless Jokes

Post by Ken »

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Ken Wagnitz #21315
Ken
Posts: 159
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2020 9:38 am
Location: Adelaide

A Woman's Week at the Gym

Post by Ken »

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband purchased for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Ken Wagnitz #21315
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